


Ain't Afraid of Dyin'

by TWDObsessive



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Did I Mention Angst?, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode 7 x 3, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hope, M/M, Psychological Torture, Soulmates, Survivor Guilt, The Cell - Freeform, Touching, Visions, reasons to live
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:05:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWDObsessive/pseuds/TWDObsessive
Summary: Daryl's thoughts in The Cell. (From episode 7 x 03)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [legolastariel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolastariel/gifts).



> Well, I couldn't get last night's episode out of my system! Had to pop out a quick fic to get myself through it! Unbeta'd cause I'm just doing this on the fly.
> 
> I'm gifting this to Legolastariel because I know she loves the idea of this kind of connection. Heck, maybe she'll write something in a similar vein back from Rick's side of the world? If the muse strikes, y'know!

It’s dark. Grey. The air is thick. They'd taken my clothes. They’re trying to break me, I know this. I’d been through similar before. I sit with my arms wrapped around my legs in the cold, dark cell. 

Rick is across from me. He is wearing his old brown T-shirt and he has his long scruffy beard and overgrown curls. That was what he looked like when he was at one of his lowest moments. Like I am now.

“It's hard,” he says, his head tilted in sympathy.

“Ain't nothin’ I can't handle,” I tell him.

Rick leans his head back against the concrete. “You don't deserve this, Daryl. You don't deserve to be here.”

I look away. I know better. It’s just a Grimes pep talk. He wants to pull me up but I know better. This is my sentence for killing Glenn. I deserve it. I deserve worse. I am right where I’m supposed to be.

“It's not on you, Daryl. You didn't do this.”

“I did. And I gotta get out of here and make it up to Maggie. Protect her and the baby. I owe it to Glenn to make up for-”

“Maggie blames herself,” Rick interrupts, “for being sick and the reason we were out there. I blame myself. I led us into a trap. Eugene blames himself for not getting them off our tail with the RV. Rosita blames herself for not being able to loo-”

“Stop, Rick. Just stop,” I say quietly. “Ain't gonna help me to know everyone feels just as damn bad.”

“Is that why I'm here? To help you?”

“Fuck if I know why you're here,” I say. I shiver from the cold. The cement floor and concrete walls against my bare skin chill me to the bone. 

“It killed me what he did to you, Rick,” I say. “Carl. Making you… And then making you say you belong to him. The look on your face. Jesus, Rick it gutted me. And I couldn't do a fucking thing. Couldn't even offer myself like with Joe ‘cause this crazy fucker coulda turned on Mags instead. Or Michonne. Or Carl.” My fingers tremble and I’ve lost track of how long I've been in this cell.

“I miss the farm,” Rick says, changing the subject. “The prison. Places that felt like home...for at least a little while.”

“Alexandria did,” I mutter. “For a little. Goin’ on them runs together like it was a day a work in the old life.” I smile at the memory and I'm surprised I'm capable of it.

“Yeah,” Rick laughs. “Was nice just you and me out on the road like that. Looked forward to getting up each day for a while there.”

I hear the door unlock and I curl up tighter and keep my eyes on the floor. That Dwight asshole hands me another sandwich. I know it's dog food. Ain't the first time I had to resort to that either. So fuck them. They ain’t hurtin’ me near as bad as they think. I look up at him with dead eyes.

“Eat it, Daryl. You need your strength,” Rick says from across the small room.

I snatch it away from Dwight and eat it without complaint. Just sustenance to keep me alive. To give me a chance at revenge and escape. The door shuts again as I inhale it like a starved mutt in an alley.

“We’ve had worse,” Rick reminds me. And I remember. I know.

After I finish the sandwich and lick my fingers (which mostly taste like dirt) I say, “I don’t like being alone anymore, Rick. Didn’t use to mind it. I mind it now.”

He looks at me with those eyes. Even in the dark, just a crack of light from under the door, I can see how blue they are. And how sad. It's that same look he gave me when I walked away from the prison with Merle. The same look from when he saw me again with the Claimers. It’s a look that means he loves me. Back before the world changed I’d have never understood that. But since I got this new family I know what love means, what it looks like and how it feels. And I do know, despite what I’ve done to Glenn, that there are people that love me and I need to get back to them. I want to tell Rick I love him. I always want to say it. But I don’t. Because I never do.

“Come here, man. You’re freezing,” he says and makes room for me to sit between his legs and I do it because he asks. He wraps his arms around me and rubs against my skin to warm me up. I feel the heat of him sink into me, his warm chest against my back, his hands up and down my arms. 

I am comfortable like this with Rick. Even though I’m naked and filthy. Even though I’ve murdered Glenn, one of his best friends. I’m not afraid of him hating me. I hate me. But I know Rick never would. Not a man like Rick. I’ve been so cold and stiff and sore for so long now that the feel of being against him makes me start to drift off. Sleep, finally.

“I lied to him, Daryl. I told him I belonged to him because I had to. The same reason you had to sit there and watch it. We can’t let our guilt consume us. We’ll share it, you and I. Try to keep ourselves in check. I’ll never belong to him, Daryl, because I belong to you.”

“I belong to you, too, Rick. That’s why I won’t kneel…” I say, my eyelids dropping as I get closer to sleep. 

“Next time he asks, just tell him what he wants to hear. You are Daryl. You will always be Daryl. Words are just words. I don’t want you to die for this. I can’t lose you. I can’t.”

I feel him kiss against the back of my head and he hugs me tight. “But it was you that made me okay with being Daryl. I want to be Daryl for you, Rick. I don’t want to be no one else.” I feel dizzy from exhaustion. I don’t want to stop talking to Rick because hearing him puts me in a peace that is hard to get inside this small cell, but I’m so tired. I’m so tired.

“We’re waiting for you, Daryl,” Rick says in a hushed whisper against my ear. I feel my hair tickle against my cheek from his breath.

I wake up to the same song, stirring from what I know must have only been a few moments of sleep. According to my calculations, it’s about five minutes between each replay. Just enough for me to drift off and be tortured back into consciousness. I barely move, my face against the dirty concrete floor. A rat was pawing at my hair. I still don’t move. I just look at him. I should grab it, break it’s neck and get some real protein. But instead I watch it finish eating a crumb, turn like it had no reason to rush from me and slip through the opening at the bottom of my cell door.

I sit up, still bare, my stomach growling and I look to the wall where Rick was. He’s gone. Well, he’s not really gone. I can’t see him or touch him or hear him. But he’s here. The music ends again and I try to remember the conversation I dreamed us having. It ain’t like me to even imagine that Maggie or Eugene or anyone else would have reason to feel guilt. How would I know that? He is here. He is in my mind and my heart and he is why I need to pick myself up and figure out how to survive and get back to my family. 

They need me and I need them. I can’t allow Maggie to feel the blame. Can’t allow Rick. Any of them. I still believe it’s mine and I need to own it and carry it like chains forged in the afterlife. But I believe that my family will forgive me. Even if they don’t think I need to be forgiven. They’ll know I need it and they’ll give it to me because I have family now. I have Rick. I have something to live for and fight for. 

I ain’t afraid of Negan. I ain’t afraid of dying. But I _am_ afraid of leaving Rick behind. Leaving my family behind. So I stand up and I stretch and I wait for my next sandwich.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not afraid. Team Family will prevail. And the ones they lost will be carried in each of their hearts forever. 
> 
> On a more technical note- I thought Norman's acting was phenomenal last night! He nailed the episode and I couldn't be more proud. He broke my heart in a thousand pieces, especially when he finally started crying. I love how well he can tell a story and communicate with just flinches and stares and body language. I am in awe of him as always. That said, PLEASE GET HIM HOME TO HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I am afraid you're dying](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565313) by [legolastariel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolastariel/pseuds/legolastariel)




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